A New Resolution

My facebook post and ponderous thoughts made me think that I will develop this blog in order to chronicle my experiences as a teacher and to prove the Lord's faithfulness as I try to become a teacher. So, I will present this:

I am very scared of teaching. I would much rather do other things. I would much rather be a foreign ambassador. I would much rather be a political journalist. I would much rather be a waste management worker. I would much rather work at Target for the rest of my little being. I would much rather be an aupair in New York City (ahhh!! my life of fiction that I have loved.)

BUT! God has repeatedly told me (no, not verbally) that I need to continue in the teacher credential. ::gulp and sigh::

SO! I know that I will have cute and humorous anecdotal stories to relate from these days. I know that I will have days of depression. I know that I will have weary days and joyous days.

Really, I just don't want to be an average teacher. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be EXCELLENT!!! I want to be creative and inspirational!!! These are the things that scare me because I don't think I can be that teacher. I am just average. I need to change so much. I have to organize myself and keep my ideas focused on one teaching goal. I go from one extreme of being fun with good activties to boring with few activties. ARGH!!!!

So, perhaps I start something here and now. This semester we will (hopefully!) have internet and then I can type up my blogs at a particular time each night. It will be a time of reflection and hope for the next dawn of the sun. (giggle-snort)

Change Sucks

I hope "sucks" is a strong word that expresses my angst...my turmoil......... It probably expresses my stupidity and selfishness as well...

I shouldn't start typing now. It's too late...or perhaps it's too early. Either way I must get up in less than 5 hours for work and I want to be awake while I work, but I need to write. Or at least that's what I tell myself. In reality, however; I need to rely upon the Lord, turn off the computer, take a shower, and sleep.

But, I think Change has a crush on me. Change is always following me around. I have TRIED to tell Change that I am not interesting in getting to know "him". But, Change shows up at every waking moment.

Why do we have to change? All right, that question reveals my immaturity. Change is good. Change is the process of sanctification. Change brings us into a closer fellowship with our Creator. Change allows us to know others better. It allows us to discover new ideas and learn new lessons, but change is still a bitter thing to taste and a fouler thing to digest. Is it really change that I do not enjoy or is it... What else could it be? My focus is off, that's why change can be painful, but what does pain bring? Strength. An opportuity to know the Lord better and to depend upon Him more fully. Yet, when Change continues to pursue me...I go the opposite direction the Lord would desire me to go. I want to run and hide in a hole, hugging my legs close to my body. I would like to hide in a dark closet, not letting anyone in and forbidding myself to walk out. I prefer protection. Blast.

Realizing that I prefer protection (as if I really didn't realize and/or know that) makes me want to puke at the thought of myself. Ugh! I wish I could crawl out of myself. I irritate me SO much!

Enough. I'm selfish. Let it be as the Lord would will and let me be following Him out of a joyful motivation. He is the Judge of the heart. How do we RESPOND to what He has given us? (Apply this to the idea of the whole world...even the smallest unknown tribe. What does that mean for them and their salvation?)

I need to look at the stars, but I am in Seattle. I need to realize that God is great and I am nothing, but I am in Seattle where humanity is the only thing that comes into focus.

Lord, change my heart. Refine me any way you choose. I am nothing. Let me not care about myself.

What if we are holograms?

I was just walking dogs and thinking and trying to philosophise when I began (once again) to contemplate reality and our interactions with each other. I am not the only one who experiences reality. We all experience reality, but I am the only one who experiences my reality. And my reality is often determined by how I feel, consequences from past experiences, things I have been taught, and the people with whom I associate. Is reality a choice? God tells us what reality is, but who we are affects how we will accept that. We each experience the world in different ways. But truly, is this world REALITY? No. Heaven is the only really real reality.

Does anyone else find the idea of reality interesting? I forget that I am not the only one in my universe. (How depraved is that? Yes, depraved. I am so ego-centric. Now you know.) As I walked the dog and began to continue down this thought path I then began to entertain the idea of our reality as only being holograms. What if this world was only us? What if it was like the Truman Show, but really the people we were interacting with weren't actors they were nothings. Then, I would be typing not to people who were pretending to care, but nobodies. There would be no point in living if ever I were to discover this fact.

If all of us were ourselves, but reality did not exist because we were all holograms there would still be no point to life. I began to contemplate that if we (as in the I, myself) was the only reality I would really have to be the creator of my reality because I would then I have to create myself. There could be a "god" who created by false reality, but why would that "god" choose to make me "understand" the false reality? That god would be purposeless in itself. And then, what would history be if I were the only real? Nothing. How do we know that the past has happened? We say we know because of documents and photographs and memories. What are memories? What are photographs? How do we know that we have taken those pictures? Because we remember what we experienced. How can we trust what we remember? People retell memories different every time a story is told.

I love meandering down this thought path. To question the distant past is easier to do. When you talk about questioning the whole past that must include yesterday. I know that yesterday happened because today is occurring. Isn't the present so funny? The present flies by quicker than the future or the past and yet that's all we have. Decisions are made in the present with consequences for the future and memories for the past. The Lord tells us we must live in the present. That is all we have. Hmm...intriguing thought to think on after I write the next paragraph...

When I was in the second or third grade I remember realizing that the present immediately becomes the past. I was intrigued with this idea. I realized that every word I said, as soon as it was stated, became a thing of the past. I went up to my teacher, the beloved Mrs. Bruns and began to describe the excitement of my discovery to her. "Mrs. Bruns!" I exclaimed, "did you know that this is the present, but that's the past...OH! That's the past, and that, and that...hahahahaha." A strange child was I...always and for ever.

The present is all we have...on this earth...as sin-filled creatures. What happens when we enter eternity? What will we have then? We will have eternity. What is eternity? It will not be as fleeting as the present. The past will not affect us...or will it? From our eternal perspective, when did Jesus die? When did His blood cleanse us from all our unrighteousness? Will there be a future? Will future worlds be created? Did the Lord create past worlds before our own?

Do those types of questions and ponderings really matter? I suppose not. It's "outside the realm of...purposeful thinking."

Has anyone ever watched "The Sting"? I have yet to finish. It's an old movie slightly like Ocean's Eleven, etc, but set in the thirties and with different contexts and persons. Robert Redford and Paul Newman are the main characters with some other exciting actors. Ahh! The old actors. Maybe I should write an excerpt on them. :0)

I love to ramble in out loud silence.

Dancing at Target

I am slightly excited to have this blog. Why, you ask. I'll tell you. It's because I know that no one will ever read it. That is so freeing. I love the idea of being able to post my thoughts in the world, but not sending it directly to readers of the the world. Today as well as several times before, but today especially, I boogey-woogeyed in Target. We have these monkeys and frogs that play tunes at a very nice decibal. Today the "little Shorty, it's your birthday" was there. I think the froggie man said the name of the title is "In Da' Club." hehehe I was working with Chet and we were groovin' as good as two redheaded gangstahs can. :0) The first day I grooved was with Burnadette. The music monkey was there then. He was playing "Temperature" by Sean Paul. It was so great! Bernadette is from Kenya. She's about 38 years old and she is...a gem. I love working with her. We were having dance parties when we had no guests.

Target, Target. It's so amazing how different this year at Target has been compared to my previous years at work. I think...perhaps I have just grown up and realized that you don't try and fight the clock. While you are at work, you just enjoy work as best as you can and there you have it. I think I have also learned (this time through) that work will never be fun. Work will never zoom by. If you want work to be fun and you want the time to go by at a reasonable rate you don't (necessarily) need to try and work harder you need to build relationships and enjoy the people. I think that's what's different for me this year. The people. I know people now. I pray for people. I talk to people. I hope that that see Jesus not me. I am afraid that I make myself to be too much of a character. They all know and could (probably) guess that I am "Christian," but do they know that Jesus saves? Do they know that their sin separates them from their Creator?

I still have no where to live. I think this will be my online and public thought tank. I just love typing and I love to pretend that it's going out to people who will read it, but I know there is no one...and yet there is that possibility and so I write to that possibility of a "someone" who is reading. Hello to you, pretend person! Thank you for your presence. I hope to visit you again and often because I should remember my password now. :0)