Drive Writing

Doesn't it annoy you when you're scanning through radio stations, searching for some good tunes, and you find yourself--very unexpectedly--grooving to a commercial jingle? It, infact, sickens me. It means the advertisement has almost succeeded in fooling me and shows the depravity of my musical tastes.

Well, reader who does not actually exist in the realm of reality, I have been released from my depression (for now and by God's grace.) He is so awesome! I find it horrendously horrible that I can find many words to describe my pains and complaints, but where are my words when I am joyous and exuberant in the Lord? Perhaps my joy is inexpressible whereas sorrow is only as good as the words it brings to my mind. Maybe in my rage and frustration I become my best author. That stinks.

The Lord overwhelmed me the other night with the beauty of His holiness and majesty. I fell asleep on the couch downstairs. I awoke around 2:30am and decided to take a look at the stars. The neighbors' lights (we have 2 neighbors in close distance to us) were off, our lights were off, and the stars had overtaken the sky. I have seen the stars before. I have searched for the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, the Milky Way, the North Star before, but at that moment I was overwhelmed by how magnificent the Lord is. He created the heavens and all the stars. He has named every ONE of them. I realized how selfish and stupid I had been. I had been discontent in the circumstances the GOD of the CREATION had led me toward. What am I that I have complained before the Lord of Hosts? Who am I to suggest plans for me life?
He created me, I walked away from Him, He purchased me and owns my life through the wage of His blood. What have I done for Him? Nothing. What can I do for Him? I can do nothing except yield the whole of my desires and the whole of my being to Him and His will.
Praise the Lord in the beauty of holiness! Praise the Lord that He will run after us and change our hearts! I can and will never be able to change my heart, but He can and will have to many times after this.

I love the Lord.

Day dreaming about life's possibilities is not bad, but being consumed by the dreams is deadly. It steals away your heavenly focus and the joy of your spirit. Focus on the Lord and serve Him only! Submit to God, resist the devil, and He will flee from you. Lust eventually gives birth to sin that will overtake your life. Give glory to the Lord who knows the inside and outside of your being. He knows me better than I know myself. He has prepared me for HIS specific purpose. I might not see the purpose of my life now, but I trust in the Lord, that He has found purpose in it and that, as I follow Him; He will be well pleased with His limping, but eager servant.

Needing An Outlet

Needing An Outlet

A Chasing after the Wind

I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want to change the world, but I don't know how or where or who. I want to run for miles and not run out of breath and not get tired. And yet, I want to collapsed in a puddle of tears and torment on the floor. I want to release my emotions and know what I am feeling and why I am feeling this way. I am so angry! I am so sickened with myself! When I come to these points in my life this can be a good thing. When I get sick of myself I try to change...I realize the need for a change...and then I look to the Lord and He begins to change me. I learn about Him and He shows me how I can be purified to reflect Him better. Having downs gives us a reason to rejoice in the ups. When I have ups I get tired of them because I see those who are down and I feel as if the Lord is too good with me. But even in my downs, they are nothing. They are pathetic. It's just me focusing on myself. I am unable to take my eyes off myself for a moment in order to look and help those around me. I am too egocentric to look to the Lord and take ahold of His hand.
We are but a vapor. I have my whole life ahead of me to accomplish what the Lord has planned that I might glorify Him, but how long is my life? Who cares if I have a life to live? I can only do what the Lord has decided and what He will tell me to do. I will follow the Lord. I must be content in the circumstances He has given me. He is awesome and holy and wonderful. He is wise and all knowing. He is powerful and good. He is God and He knows me better than I know myself. He hates my sin. He does not will that any should perish, but that all should come to Him. For whatever reason He has chosen me for this purpose. If I live to be 80 I have already lived one-fourth of my life, but I have 3 quarters left. If I live to be 20 and 5 months, I pray that I will have served the Lord in a worthy manner and would not have wasted most of my time thinking about me and throwing pity parties for me, myself, and I. I desire that the Lord would be glorified...but not because of me. What do I matter? I do not. He matters. He receives the glory for ever and ever. He has created and He will destory. He builds and no one can destroy what He has constructed. I might have plans, but no one can stand against the plans of the Lord. I might like my counsel, but the Lord destroyes the counsel of the nations. I am an ant that can be squished without anyone knowing I have expired.
The Lord must be praised and worshiped! People must know Him and His wondrous works! --Selah

Vanity of Vanities...

There she sat, a girl no more than twenty years of age; bleakly looking into the face of her father's computer. She was frustrated, angered, and saddened, but she didn't know why. She was unable to explain the reason she felt this way or what had provoked her to react impatiently to the slightest look sent her way. People were stupid, her occupation was silly, her life had purpose, but she wasn't fulfilling it. She herself had come to the end of whatever it had decided to start. Her strength...if ever she had any, was gone. She wanted to stop, but she couldn't. Where was the exit? Where had she entered? She didn't know. Where else would she rather be? No where. Who would she rather like to know? No one. Was she influencing the lives of those she came into contact with? Not really. That's what truly depressed her. THe ineffectualness of her daily living. How had she changed the world (for good) around her? She had done nothing. She was and always had been a failure hiding behind a mirage of success.

Time Waster

Well, I told myself that I would not do this. That I would use my time wisely and read my SLS books as I should because I must read them and write the reports so that I can start studying for my CLEP exam, learn how to sew, teach my sister(s) how to write a good essay, watch, Wallace and Gromit, and work out consistently. Oh well. What is time? God will hold me accountable to how I have used my time. That is scary. Ahh! And yet I press on in my writing...rambling rather. I wanted to scribble about Target. AHEM...
Please bring a receipt. Don't wait for months and horde all the items you want to return. Smile when you walk in the door. Don't yell at the employees. We know nothing. Don't assume you know the system. Don't tell us how to do our jobs. Organize yourselves. If you say that you have the receipt, make sure that it's out by the time you come to the counter. Please! Don't spend hours poking through your purse and/or wallet and/or son's pants' pockets trying to locate the receipt you "just know" you had a "moment" ago. Don't lie about what you want to return and when you purchased it. Don't try and cheat us. Smile when you leave. Speak some words of encouragement. Don't let your kids pull the tags off clothes you might not be keeping. It's okay to teach them self-control and to limit their life pleasures a bit. Remember that we would like to keep you happy. We don't work at Target to displease you and mess up your own world and goals for life. We have families, hard days, and things we'd rather be doing than trying to make sure you don't yell at us. AHHHHHH!!!!!
The counter was SOO disorganized today. I am not an organized person in my personal life, at work, however; I am freakishly organized. If I can't stay tidy at work (which is often the case in Guest Service) I become extremely frustrated. I had to restrain myself from losing my patience with the guests today. This is the first time that I have wanted to lash out at the people just for walking through the door. Why? I have no idea. The Lord is trying to show me my sin in my lack of patience. Help me be patient Lord! You have given me the Holy Spirit who has given me His fruit and that is patience. I can love my guests too! (AHHHH!)

Why?

Why do I do--ooh bleck (had to change the font)--why do I create blogs? Yes, there is a "s" at the end of "blog," signifying multiple. I think I only had one other one. WHY though? Who cares? Who reads? Will I update? Probably not. At the moment it seems like a fun way to be able to express myself for all the world to see...but then I realize something, no one will see this. No one will know about this. Therefore, I can logically conclude that no one will read this. I think I have pen and paper blogs already. They are called my journals. Inside their covers I reveal who I am. I can be serious and cry, I can make jokes and laugh, I can be angry and scream. Out here, in the scary wide world of (in all reality, NO one's company) I can not be "real." I will be the public me. Then, that idea makes me wonder and question...will I ever be the private me with another person? (You---although you truly do not exist, I will still type to "you." You will be my blog friend...if ever I type on this blog again.) "You" see where my thoughts are going. And there I will stop....at where you might be able to guess and try to interpret where my thoughts are heading. Whenever I read someone's really wonderful writing (which I just have...let's applaud the talented Ms. Vaughan) I am inspired to be expressionful. (No, that is not a word. This is my blog...stop being so nit-picky. :0) Ugh! Enough of the smileys. Okay? Thanks. This is my way to be expressionful. In my journals I release my thoughts, fears, and hopes to the Lord...kind of to myself. Why do I need others to read my writing? I don't know. To show them that I know how to construct a sentence...ha...ha. So, there you have it. Welcome to my blog. If I come back, good. If not, don't feel pain. Not that you will feel pain because you do not exist. Those who feel pain are those who exist. You are not real, therefore you don't exist, therefore you have no concept of pain. How do I know this is true? I don't. I assume. (You know what that does.) I have never "not existed." Although, how can I know that I truly exist? How can I know that this IS reality? The video game characters might think their world is reality, but it's not. No matter how much we believe something, we might still be wrong. Why does pain have to be experienced only by those we classify as being in the realm of reality? Can you define reality for me? Who I say I am and where I exist (within the realm of reality) depends upon what I percieve from my senses. My senses orginating and forming from my reality tell me what the world (my reality) is and why it is real. "You" could make the same argument for your non-existance. Are we are just a bunch of halograms? What is more real than heaven? Nothing on earth is reality when compared to heaven...and hell...when compared to eternity. If you died NOW, at this very moment, who truly cares what you have done in your life EXCEPT in the areas that have affected your existance in your eternal life? I think that's all what Ecclesiastes is about. Perhaps I will come back here. I greatly enjoy rambling and discussing meaningless items of discussion with myself.