Change Sucks

I hope "sucks" is a strong word that expresses my angst...my turmoil......... It probably expresses my stupidity and selfishness as well...

I shouldn't start typing now. It's too late...or perhaps it's too early. Either way I must get up in less than 5 hours for work and I want to be awake while I work, but I need to write. Or at least that's what I tell myself. In reality, however; I need to rely upon the Lord, turn off the computer, take a shower, and sleep.

But, I think Change has a crush on me. Change is always following me around. I have TRIED to tell Change that I am not interesting in getting to know "him". But, Change shows up at every waking moment.

Why do we have to change? All right, that question reveals my immaturity. Change is good. Change is the process of sanctification. Change brings us into a closer fellowship with our Creator. Change allows us to know others better. It allows us to discover new ideas and learn new lessons, but change is still a bitter thing to taste and a fouler thing to digest. Is it really change that I do not enjoy or is it... What else could it be? My focus is off, that's why change can be painful, but what does pain bring? Strength. An opportuity to know the Lord better and to depend upon Him more fully. Yet, when Change continues to pursue me...I go the opposite direction the Lord would desire me to go. I want to run and hide in a hole, hugging my legs close to my body. I would like to hide in a dark closet, not letting anyone in and forbidding myself to walk out. I prefer protection. Blast.

Realizing that I prefer protection (as if I really didn't realize and/or know that) makes me want to puke at the thought of myself. Ugh! I wish I could crawl out of myself. I irritate me SO much!

Enough. I'm selfish. Let it be as the Lord would will and let me be following Him out of a joyful motivation. He is the Judge of the heart. How do we RESPOND to what He has given us? (Apply this to the idea of the whole world...even the smallest unknown tribe. What does that mean for them and their salvation?)

I need to look at the stars, but I am in Seattle. I need to realize that God is great and I am nothing, but I am in Seattle where humanity is the only thing that comes into focus.

Lord, change my heart. Refine me any way you choose. I am nothing. Let me not care about myself.