Explosive Burdens

I am tired of talking about sufferings and the precious need for sufferings and not suffering. I think I am speaking for myself alone because I know many of those around me who are going through various trials and sufferings.
I guess I am unsatisfied with myself. Is my desire to suffer a hypocritical one? Why have I not suffered more in my life? Oh that I would be able to know Jesus through the experience of sufferings! That He would bring me through the fires to refine me and to test me as gold. I want to know His sufferings and rejoice in that bond with Him.

Throughout my life I have had a burden to be a martyr and/or a missionary. I don’t know that I could truly handle it and it may have been brought about by my mom (missionary part) and my imagination for the extreme (martyr part), but the Lord has continued to revive those wants and thoughts in my life with faithful consistency.

This summer as I was trying to read through the whole Bible (which I did not because I like to make time to stop and smell the roses) I was impressed and overwhelmed with God’s glory and our need our CALL our DUTY our existence to glorify His name. Since that time I have come to see that I wanted to take that work upon myself as MY work rather than something He works through me. But as I was reading the Old Testament and sorrowing in Israel’s reactions to their call and the revelation of God’s holy power and then as I moved to the New Testament and saw the gloriousness of our call because of the mystery of God’s will revealed bodily in Jesus, I was reminded in Acts and 1st Peter of our need to suffer. What else is there for us? Why should we look for pleasures? Praise the Lord for His blessings and His grace and His provisions with which He blesses us, but why should I want more than I need? I do NOT want to be held to this world! I do not want to love this world or the things in this world!! I want to be drawn closer to my Lord. I want to be stretched so that HIS name is made known to the nations.

I see that so often I am only a people pleaser. What a horrible thing. I saw that I wanted to say, “Hey! Look at me so you can see God’s glory!!” No, no. It sounds good, but it’s not good. It’s supposed to be me living, me praying, me speaking THROUGH Him and IN Him and BY Him and FOR Him in the community. It’s supposed to be me/us operating as His body and in His image so others can see Him and not be distracted by us. Will these things bring me suffering?! They will make me die to myself. Oh that I would die to myself! Oh that I would be building up treasure in heaven. I pray that He would find me faithful to HIM and not to the gaining of the applause of men. Wasn’t it Oswald Chambers who spoke about the “need” for a “bad” preacher so that the success of the Gospel would be God’s alone and not the preacher’s? Of course, God will use and GIFT whom He will. (He does give us gifts and abilities for His glorious purpose.)

I guess I am tired of thinking about heaven and not being there. That is, once again, a nice sounding statement laced with sin. Where is my focus on others? Where is my willingness to die to myself so I can serve others through Jesus?

So, I have been burdened for missions and martyrdom throughout my life, but especially in these last weeks. I have no idea what the Lord is doing. It’s almost getting to where I cannot focus on the tasks at hand. That’s sinful. I cry out to Him to tell me what He is trying to say. I fall before Him that I might know what is to become of me. I feel as if I am battling something. Maybe He is preparing me for a battle?! It must be that a great change is coming. As I was before Him this morning I asked if He is preparing me for my death – or maybe another close person’s death. I don’t know. Something seems to be changing within me though. Then I began reading a book – and it wasn’t the Bible. It’s called “Revolution in World Missions” and I think that is a point of my new sorrow. (Before, my sorrow came from the pressure of feeling the need to GO, but not able to go.)
This book has captured my attention and I hope to finish it before the day is done. (I will soon post on it.) I don’t know how many people from Grace will agree with the background of this book. He speaks of the Lord speaking to him, visions, demons, miracles, God-working, etc. (Oh sin!! I am getting sarcastic!!)

I am just TIRED of being a spiritual being who "cannot" talk about the spiritual workings in the other realms. Satan is real. Demons are real. The miraculous workings of God is real. God does speak to His people and it is NOT just through the Bible, but also through the prodding and guiding and whispers of the Holy Spirit. I know because of my relationship with Him (and biblical back-up). No, I have never spoken in tongues, I have never seen visions, I have never performed any miracles, but He has told me where to go and what to do. Why are we afraid of the spiritual world? Why is it impractical and not-for-our-time? What else is there but this fight between the powers of God and hell? Oh to see the glories and mysteries of heaven! Oh to fight on that day – or at least to witness the fighting – of the One who will ride in on the white horse with the name Faithful and True written (tattooed?!!) on His thigh.

This is not good. I am almost tired of doing life. I am tried of being tied to temporal things, but that IS a portion of why we are here. If I am not faithful in these areas how will the Lord ever entrust me with any thing of true importance?

How am I doing at sharing the Gospel here? How am I affecting Marysville and/or Monroe for the kingdom? How am I living to fight? Am I running on the shoes of the readiness of the Gospel of Peace?!

Oh to die for that is gain. (But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.) Who am I being more needful for in the flesh? Who am I giving up myself for? I must die to myself. Oh that I would stop pleasing people and start pleasing HIM!

Proverbs 30:8-9
“Remove falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches – feed me with the food allotted to me; lest I be full and deny You, and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ Or lest I be poor and steal, and profane the name of my God.” Amen.