Spiritually:
It has been a battle. A battle to trust Him. A battle to not lose heart.
Why?
I think because I am so weak. I am so weak that I despair when I have to live somewhere I would prefer not to live.
Nevertheless, He is training me to endure and to be patient.
The battle has been the toughest when I am looking at what I want and how I am going to bring it about rather than focusing on the Lord and His will and His ways. It’s hardest when I forget that I am supposed to trust Him and lean NOT on my own understanding.
My understanding questions why I would leave a teaching position in such a bad economy, why I would leave behind church family, a biological family, and a state that is majestically beautiful, culturally unique, and is my home.
My understanding questions and tries to reason around how I could move life back to where I want it to be…
BUT GOD – is SO gracious and good and does not fail because at these same times He has given me proddings from His Holy Spirit through His Word, through the words and conversations of people, through women’s Bible study, and through Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Keep a Quiet Heart.
I want a quiet heart. A quiet heart is one that is only focused on one will – the Father’s. What has the Father commanded me to do? Love Him above all. How do I show my love for Him? By obeying His commandments.
I recently went on a date with the Lord. It was very good. I got some sushi and Chipotle (since He’s my Provider – He paid for the date,) and then sat at a table in the mall with my Bible, journal, and ever-present Nalgene.
As I sat down and started writing and reading I realized I had come with a rebellious heart and my own agenda. Slowly, the Lord started convicting my soul and changing my thoughts and plans.
Several Proverbs and Psalm 18 are what really stopped me in my tracks – will I wait on Him to bring about His plan, or will I act out and construct my own plan? (Did David kill Saul when he had the chance? No. He entrusted himself to God and saw the respect he had to give and show to Saul as God’s anointed. Part of the JOY of that waiting is being able to see God work mightily. I want to see Him bring all things about – without me manipulating the situation.)
Last year, in order to “test” the Lord and see if He could overcome my hard heart, I prayed that by the end of the year I would love Him with my whole being and more than all others. He did change my heart greatly. By the end of the year I loved Him so much more and so much more confidently than I have ever loved Him before. Though I MUST still grow in this, He has (and was able) to GREATLY change my heart.
This year I am praying that He would make all my dreams/desires His. I dream A LOT. Most of my dreams have been smashed. (Truly.) Most of them God has had to rip out of my hands because I cling to them too tightly. If I am going to love Him fully – these must be His. That works in line with this Ohio process. Not my will, but His. If HE wills I will do this or that. This prayer has scared me because I don’t know how to live without dreaming. What’s the point to living if you can’t dream ambitiously and make goals to achieve those dreams? If I do make plans and goals, how can I be sure that they are God’s and/or that God won’t rip those away too?
It’s all a matter of how tightly I will choose to cling to them. I must hold this life loosely. I must hold my plans and ideas loosely. That is to say, not without vigor and ambition, but with a dedication to God and His plan. A reverent acknowledging that this is NOT my life, this life belongs to God as a holy sacrifice to Him.
May He take me where He wants me and may I follow easily and quickly.
Is this possible?!
--Through the Faithful One’s working alone.
Hallelujah and Amen!
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