This is the mode of fearing a harsh master. I work because I fear. I work out of fear of failure and disappointing the master. I suddenly came to realize that I was back to the legalist mode! I don’t think I have realized a re-entrance into that state of living since being at Capernwray. I lived a great chunk of my Christian life in the legalist, trying-to-please Him mode. In this recent stint, I felt anger against His requirements and frustration that I will never be perfect on this earth and I can never do anything from pure and holy motives. My sisters recently went to snow retreat where they were speaking of repentance and being a hot cup of zeal. I wanted to repent, I wanted to live for the Lord, but I was SO frustrated about that zeal part. I can’t keep the cup hot!!!!
There is the point.
While reading in Luke, I came across the parable of the talents. The application of that parable came upon me as never before. I realized that I was the man burying the one talent. My thoughts toward God were the same thoughts the man had toward the master. I knew that God is God and controller of all things. He has sown everything and so He CAN take what He wants and demand wherever He prefers to demand it.
Knowing this and seeing the impossibility of fulfilling His desires, I wanted to just stop. I wanted to bury my little talent because I was fearing out of a wrong perspective – sinful, self-focused, not understanding and accepting and realizing the love that God has poured out on us. I was choosing to forget the reality of salvation and I was choosing to not think right, true, and pure thoughts of His true character.
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